“The Other Mangler”
By Ian Staley
Narrator: It’s the Mangler! Created in a basement by his nemesis and Grand-pappy, Doctor Horatio, The Mangler has been endowed with the totally awesome superpower to see into the future and discover whether a person will grow up to be good or Jewish. With this knowledge, he is able to eat babies before they can grow up to become the next Michael Bloomberg.
Upon hearing of mass manglings of misfit miscreants, the mad, maniacal, and let’s face it, just flat out mean, Dr. Horatio races to the scene to confront The Mangler. He arrives only to discover, it was not the Mangler who has this time mangled…
Dr. H: Aha! I have you now Mangler.
Narrator: The bloody culprit turns.
Dr. H: (gasps) You’re not the Mangler at all! You’re—
Other Mangler: “The Other Mangler”. Bet you never thought you’d see me again, did you, Grandpa?
Narrator: Meanwhile the real Mangler is sitting at home alone in his Underroos with Batman on them when his friend and neighbor, Chris Walzach, enters.
Chris Walzach: Hey Mangs, what’re you doing?
Mangler: Nothing. I haven’t done anything lately. The babies are being mangled by another. Who dares step into my realm and execute the accused without my consent?
Chris Walzach: I don’t know, but I bet Dr. Horatio is involved somehow.
Mangler: That bastard! He will pay for leaving me no babies to slaughter. If I don’t eat the smooth skin of a newly born baby soon, I will lose my powers for good and nevermore protect the future from evil. That cannot happen. Chris, hand me my pants. We’re going to find Dr. Horatio.
Chris: But Mangs, how will we find him?
Mangler: It’s never hard to find a man with two dozen monkeys who take cocaine.
Narrator: Back in Dr. H’s lair.
Dr. H: So, “Other Mangler,” I have shown you my time machine, my prize medal for eating over thirty hotdogs in ten minutes, yes I said thirty! and my photo album depicting how I created you along with your brother known as the Mangler, but this is the end of the line, “Other Mangler!” I have brought you here to where I created you to witness your death! There cannot be two Manglers! So, you will now be killed by my monkeys who take cocaine! Monkeys…
(Monkeys are released)
Other Mangler: No! I plead with you let me live. I can do great things for you the Mangler cannot. Allow me to survive, if only for a moment, while I show you.
Dr. H: Alright, monkeys ease off!
(Monkeys whine and fade to background)
Dr. H: Show me what you can do! (beat) Now!
Other Mangler: I can eat babies! Bring one here and I will eat it. They taste better than RC Cola to me.
Dr. H: You fool! Nothing tastes better than RC Cola…except Better Made Potato Chips of course. But nevertheless, there is another who can do the same and you are not special in the least. I will see you killed! It is inevitable. You are the grandson I never wanted! Burn in hell “Other Mangler!” Hahahahaha! Monkeys ascend!
(Sounds of monkeys grows louder and more fierce)
Other Mangler: I can kill the Mangler…
Dr. H: Monkeys STOP!!! What did you say? You can’t kill the Mangler. He is much too big and filling for a meal now. You can only eat babies.
Other Mangler: Babies who grow to become evil. Just like the Mangler. I will eat his infant body and take claim of the name “The Mangler!” Finally, I get to drop the word “other” from my name! Hahahaha! It has been a thorn in my side long enough. I will now so love signing my name on that damn electronic signing device the UPS man has with him upon delivering my many packages! I am an E-bay fanatic you know… I once got a—
Dr. H: Silence! I see your evil plan to finally rid “The Mangler” from our lives and I am enthused to partake. I will ready my time machine to return to my fateful day of creating my one and only grandson.
Other Mangler: But Grandpa…
Dr. H: I said silence.
Narrator: Back to the real Mangler…
Chris Walzach: This cocaine stand you suggested to lure the monkeys who take cocaine was a great idea Mangs! Who knew it was such a profitable business? Especially to the young children who keep coming back.
Mangler: Enough! I see a monkey coming disguised as a prostitute.
Chris: How can you tell it is a monkey and not a regular prostitute?
Mangler: Because Chris if it was a real prostitute that banana she is holding would be somewhere else and it wouldn’t be eaten up.
Chris: But she would be. (laughs)
Mangler: Shhh, here she is.
Mangler: Yes we’re the free crack stand. Would you like one line or two?
Mangler: Ok, two lines. Here you go. Thank you, come again. And remember “It’s not how you blow, it’s what you blow. Only blow the best, Mangler’s… er uh… Not the Mangler’s cocaine. We’re here all week.”
Mangler: Man, that was close. Now let’s follow her!
Narrator: The Mangler and Chris Walzach follow the monkey, dressed in a Supergirl outfit laced over a bikini that looks like a banana, back to Doctor’s Horatio’s lair where they see “The Other Mangler” and Dr. Horatio use the time machine to go back into the past. They break in shortly after to assess the situation.
Chris: Who was that man that looked just like you? Where did they go? Why is it my rash on my ass still hasn’t gone away?
Narrator: The Mangler had no answers for Chris Walzach, but secretly knew that the rash on his ass was caused from a rare patch of Cryptogramma acrostichoides that he had sat on the week before while skinny-dipping in Lake Superior.
Mangler: One of you monkeys damn well better tell me what Dr. Horatio is up to and fast or… or… I will see to it none of you ever get access to cocaine again.
(More monkey sounds)
Mangler: Good god! He’s found “The Other Mangler” and is off with him to see me eaten at birth? Chris, we have to stop him!
Chris: The time machine is still set to travel back. Let’s get in and stop the insane doctor before it’s too late. Long live the Mangler!
Narrator: Back in the past.
(Time machine sounds)
Chris: That time traveling stuff is cool.
Dr. H: You’re too late Mangler! For having a time machine to transport you, it’s unfitting that you would be late for your own funeral. I’ll be sure to give a nice eulogy for you. I’ve been writing it for years now. Outsmarted by his greatest foe, me! Hahahahaha!
Other Mangler: All I have to do now is consume the baby I hold in my very hands and you will no longer exist and I will be destined to live your life. All will be right with the world. I will be the Mangler and work on the side of evil. I will eat all the good people leaving only human trash to fight wars and continue the fun I am beginning in this moment! I have finally beaten you Mangler! Die!
Narrator: The Other Mangler begins eating the delicious baby. The blood splatters and bones break but “The Other Mangler” does not stop until he is done.
Other Mangler: Something is wrong. You are still here, Mangler. It is I who am fading from existence. I have eaten the wrong baby. Damn you Dr. Horatio! You switched the babies!
(Voice fades and echoes)
Dr. H: I told you I would see you killed “Other Mangler.” You were never worthy to be my grandson. I have only one grandson. The Mangler!
Narrator: Why was “The Other Mangler” so stupid as to eat himself? Why was the monkey who takes cocaine in disguise? Will Chris Walzach lose his rash? Find out next week on The Mangler!